We survived! It’s a moment you spend 18 years preparing for, but can never truly be ready for — the rollercoaster of emotions around dropping your oldest child off at college. There are moments you feel like you can’t breathe, others where I found myself mourning change, then moments of excitement thinking of all the fun and learning ahead of them. Our daughter has now been at school for over a month, and I can tell you the lead-up was almost harder than the drop-off — but to be clear, the drop-off was indeed difficult. However, we are ok and so is she, which is the best part. Here are some lessons learned:
Find a way to leave them with a few thoughts
The days leading up to drop-off are chaotic. There is last-minute packing, goodbyes to friends and family members, and then all the “lasts” — things they want to do one more time before leaving. There isn’t a lot of time or emotional bandwidth to give our last-minute advice, reminders or emotional platitudes.
But there are several ways you can leave your college-bound kid with all these so they can absorb it when they’re ready. Parents can write letters to leave with them to read later. I have also heard of parents leaving little notes around the room for them to find in the first week. I am the oldest of four girls and when I went to college, I was presented with a ring of index cards full of advice, jokes and encouragement that my parents and sisters wrote to me. I still have that ring and often refer to it when I need a reminder or a little pick me up. So, I decided to carry on the tradition for Madison. We, along with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and brothers wrote those same notes for her to take to Boston. She has told me already how helpful they have been when she gets a little homesick or overwhelmed.
Don’t leave sadness in their new space
Some of the best advice I received from experienced parents was not to leave any sadness in their new space. The morning of move in was busy — lots of boxes to unpack and a few things to assemble, but when it was time to say goodbye, I didn’t want a memory of tears. I wanted her new space to be filled with love, warmth and laughter. I saved all my tears for the moment we got in the car and were out of eyesight for the real sobs. It was my own emotional release, a combination of happiness and excitement for all that was ahead for her, and sadness about how much I was going to miss her at home in our daily life. It’s an emotional time for our children and for us but the last thing they need is for our emotions to dominate their moment or to worry about us.
Feeling a little wobbly
We returned home and for the first week or so we all felt a little out of sorts. It is hard to describe other than feeling wobbly or unbalanced. Our daily life as a family of five was out of sorts since one of us wasn’t there. It took some getting used to, and for the first time that first Sunday, I realized I was the only female in the house. After hours of “Red Zone” and fantasy football talk, I had to take a walk. This is a big life change for all of us, and I remember thinking this is a little bit like childbirth, where no one really tells you how hard or painful it can be, but you realize millions of people go through this so it must get better. It took a minute, and we all have our moments, but it does get better. Those tough moments are eased with a quick text or a Facetime call, both of which make the distance seem not as great for all of us.
We have two more drop offs, and the tough news is I’ve heard they don’t get any easier. However, the good news is that even though your child is no longer physically in your house anymore, your job isn’t over, and they still need you. I cherish the call when she asks how to get a stain out or what medicine she should take when she gets sick. It is parenting differently — you aren’t managing their day to day but there to listen and offer advice when asked. So, here’s to embracing this next step of parenting differently.
Liz Farrell is the mother of three children and the founder of TechTalks, a consulting group to help schools and families have productive conversations around social media and technology. Comments: [email protected].
