There is no better feeling than waking up knowing all your children are home. Our oldest just came home from college for Thanksgiving and it’s hard to explain the peace I feel having all three kids at home again. This time for a week and then back in a few weeks for a longer holiday break. She is so excited to be home and has a packed itinerary to see friends, eat at her favorite places, and get caught up on sleep. We also have an agenda of wanting to spend as much time with her as possible — so how do we all manage expectations to make sure the time home is enjoyable for everyone? Here are some tips for making the most of holiday breaks.
Communicate Expectations
You may be very anxious to spend as much time as possible with them while they are home, but they will also be balancing seeing friends. My daughter described it perfectly — the excitement of seeing her high school friends is like being reunited with your favorite blanket. Given that, as parents, the best thing we can do is let them know ahead of time of any family obligations while they are home. We also asked our daughter to allot time to visit her grandparents and hang out with her brothers.
It can be hard to share them, especially the first couple times home, and especially when only for a few days, but everyone will be happier if expectations around their time are communicated. For longer breaks they may want their new college friends to visit or get a job. There will be lots of demands on their time, and just like us, they are struggling to balance it all to keep everyone happy.
House Rules
It is normal for there to be a few bumps in those first visits home. College kids who live away from home get accustomed to the freedom and independence of dorm life only to return “home” to find they are part of a family, and may need a gentle reminder of the house rules or expectations. This can be a great time for open communication with your young adult about possible new or looser rules around curfews or using the car. They may feel freer to come and go or even test the boundaries a bit. It becomes less about “rules” and more about setting clear boundaries everyone is aware of and comfortable with.
However, in our house some house rules don’t change no matter how old you are, such as cleaning up after yourself, letting people know where you are going and roughly when you will be back, and turning off the lights when you leave the room. It is amazing how quickly these things can be forgotten after living on their own for a bit. No matter how long or short the visit home is there is nothing wrong with asking them to clean up after themselves and help where needed.
Allow for Downtime
Give them a break and time to rest and relax. Especially for freshmen, the first semester has been a big life adjustment and no doubt very stressful balancing classes, dorm life and making new friends. They are exhausted mentally and physically. Don’t be alarmed if the coziness of their “old” room and a quiet house result in lots of sleep. Instead of being frustrated or annoyed by this, think of it as an important time for them to recharge.
Besides exhaustion, you may also notice that in the few short months they have been gone, they have changed. This can also be exhausting as they are balancing who they were last time they were home with who they are now, or are becoming. There is so much growth that happens during these four years and the best thing we can do as parents is give them room to grow and an open ear to check in about how they are dealing with all the changes. We all know you get a lot more out of in-person conversations so allow time and space for those to happen to take a deeper dive into their life. Home is a safe place so they may be more open to telling you about their life or what’s on their mind.
Even though they are now away from home in college the golden rules of parenting still apply — clear communication about expectations and boundaries and to remind them they are loved unconditionally. If you can do these things ideally before they come home, it will make their visits home and the holidays all a little less stressful so you can enjoy this ever-changing new adult in your home.
A Note
This will be my last column, and it’s not lost on me that the topic is about my oldest coming home from college. I started out writing this monthly column over a decade ago about potty training, the Tooth Fairy and creating family traditions. I am grateful for the opportunity I had every month to share my parenting tips and advice, and grateful for all the parents who read this column and have learned or tried something new because of it.
Liz Farrell is the mother of three children and the founder of TechTalks, a consulting group to help schools and families have productive conversations around social media and technology. Comments: [email protected].
