THIS JUST IN
Breaking news from the fat front!
We interrupt this column to bring you breaking news from the fat front. An archaeological team in Bogota, Neb. (as opposed to Columbia), has unearthed evidence that prehistoric man’s belt was too tight as far back as the Paleolithic Age. The discovery of what appears to be a stone ice cream scoop together with a slice of petrified cheesecake has stunned archaeologists and personal trainers who now await examination of DNA samples from an extra-wide male hip bone found inside an extra-wide cave entrance.
The discovery corroborates an archaeological find made while digging the subbasement for a Waukegan cannery in 1939, which was either early man’s first expandable belt or a used bungee cord, together with what the team identified as a slice of fossilized eggplant parmigiana – that or a prehistoric whoopee pie.
Said team leader Dr. Brad Przyborowski (pronounced Smith), “It’s possible, even likely, that there were certain plants analogous to the foot-long sub during the Neanderthal era, and that, in fact, overindulgence killed off the species.”
Added Dr. Przyborowski, “This would mean that there were pear-shaped homo sapiens waddling Nebraska’s plains (and Waukegan neighborhoods) as recently as the hemorrhoid era. No! Make that the hominoid era – a period between 1.1 million years and seven months ago – and way back before that.”
However, expert early analysis of the size XXXL hip bone narrows down the cause of death to either something he stepped on, his wife’s meatloaf, or NBE (nervous binge eating) triggered by, say, stress from dinosaur sightings. The latter would have led to a potentially terminal buildup of belly fat – nevertheless preferable to being eaten.
Another theory is that early man overate to build up fat for winter when along came global warming. (This left them not fitting through their cave entrances and looking foolish.) Thus originated man’s penchant for overeating, documented in the landmark Framingham Study conducted in Des Moines. No! Make that Framingham. Beginning in l948, 4,000 Framingham, Mass. male subjects over 60-years-old who ate desserts nightly were tracked during a 30-year period. Tests at the end of the study showed 9 out of 10 of the men were overweight. The other 3,990 had died.
This triggered the initial push for putting nutritional content on restaurant menus and warnings on trans-fatty food labels such as, “Caution, can alter relationships.”
However, “All food has a place in the human diet,” stated a spokesperson for the Lemon Meringue Industry.
More consequential was a subsequent study reported by Dr. Gershwin Rabinowitz of the Fort Lauderdale Center for Weight and Eating Disorders, evidencing a correlation between portliness and decreased sex drive. Certainly it helps to be able to get your arms around each other, as cuddling requires two people on the same sofa.
But more disconcerting is this A.P. bulletin just in. According to scientists at a sleep clinic in Toronto, of 800 male patients who had sought help there, 1 in 12 had engaged in sexual activity while asleep. (When did snoring become a sexual activity?) I’m not making this up. Forget sleepwalking. Stated the clinic sexologist, “Some wake up with no memory of the experience and only learn about it later from their partner. For others, it takes ‘pleasant dreams’ to a new level.”
So how does this work? Are we saying Casanova unknowingly lights the candle, turns on the soft music, tosses his skivvies over the lampshade and hubba hubba, all while the little woman’s supposedly zonked? He sleeps through the whole rhapsodic ruckus? And the next morning he’s clueless? So are you missing out if you’re having an awesome sex life and you don’t know it? Not the ones who remember their dreams.
Typical breakfast conversation:
Casanova: “Good morning Snookums! Last night I dreamt we went to the drive-in.”
Snookums: “Good morning Oswald. I dreamt Brad Pitt showed up to repair the fridge.”
Question No. 1: Is the new male performance drug Sominex? Forget Viagra. Send out for Tylenol PM!
Question No. 2: Will the cost of sleeping pills go up or down?
The discovery corroborates an archaeological find made while digging the subbasement for a Waukegan cannery in 1939, which was either early man’s first expandable belt or a used bungee cord, together with what the team identified as a slice of fossilized eggplant parmigiana – that or a prehistoric whoopee pie.
Said team leader Dr. Brad Przyborowski (pronounced Smith), “It’s possible, even likely, that there were certain plants analogous to the foot-long sub during the Neanderthal era, and that, in fact, overindulgence killed off the species.”
Added Dr. Przyborowski, “This would mean that there were pear-shaped homo sapiens waddling Nebraska’s plains (and Waukegan neighborhoods) as recently as the hemorrhoid era. No! Make that the hominoid era – a period between 1.1 million years and seven months ago – and way back before that.”
However, expert early analysis of the size XXXL hip bone narrows down the cause of death to either something he stepped on, his wife’s meatloaf, or NBE (nervous binge eating) triggered by, say, stress from dinosaur sightings. The latter would have led to a potentially terminal buildup of belly fat – nevertheless preferable to being eaten.
Another theory is that early man overate to build up fat for winter when along came global warming. (This left them not fitting through their cave entrances and looking foolish.) Thus originated man’s penchant for overeating, documented in the landmark Framingham Study conducted in Des Moines. No! Make that Framingham. Beginning in l948, 4,000 Framingham, Mass. male subjects over 60-years-old who ate desserts nightly were tracked during a 30-year period. Tests at the end of the study showed 9 out of 10 of the men were overweight. The other 3,990 had died.
This triggered the initial push for putting nutritional content on restaurant menus and warnings on trans-fatty food labels such as, “Caution, can alter relationships.”
However, “All food has a place in the human diet,” stated a spokesperson for the Lemon Meringue Industry.
More consequential was a subsequent study reported by Dr. Gershwin Rabinowitz of the Fort Lauderdale Center for Weight and Eating Disorders, evidencing a correlation between portliness and decreased sex drive. Certainly it helps to be able to get your arms around each other, as cuddling requires two people on the same sofa.
But more disconcerting is this A.P. bulletin just in. According to scientists at a sleep clinic in Toronto, of 800 male patients who had sought help there, 1 in 12 had engaged in sexual activity while asleep. (When did snoring become a sexual activity?) I’m not making this up. Forget sleepwalking. Stated the clinic sexologist, “Some wake up with no memory of the experience and only learn about it later from their partner. For others, it takes ‘pleasant dreams’ to a new level.”
So how does this work? Are we saying Casanova unknowingly lights the candle, turns on the soft music, tosses his skivvies over the lampshade and hubba hubba, all while the little woman’s supposedly zonked? He sleeps through the whole rhapsodic ruckus? And the next morning he’s clueless? So are you missing out if you’re having an awesome sex life and you don’t know it? Not the ones who remember their dreams.
Typical breakfast conversation:
Casanova: “Good morning Snookums! Last night I dreamt we went to the drive-in.”
Snookums: “Good morning Oswald. I dreamt Brad Pitt showed up to repair the fridge.”
Question No. 1: Is the new male performance drug Sominex? Forget Viagra. Send out for Tylenol PM!
Question No. 2: Will the cost of sleeping pills go up or down?
Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times.
E-mail: [email protected]
