Dear Dr. Fred: I am a single, 59-year-old taxidermist with a new girlfriend who is, in all honesty, a lot uglier than the girls I’ve dated in the past. But we share the same interests and something tells me she is Miss Right, which is a matter of grave concern because, of all things, I may be suffering from MPD or male performance deficit. But there is also the possibility that it’s her looks. How do I find out if it’s me or her?

Flummoxed
Ashtabula, Ore.

Dear Flummoxed: First of all, when a man is 59 years old, every part of his body slows. Expect a slightly diminished memory as well as depletion elsewhere – including a condition we sexologists refer to as UW (underactive watchamacallit).

While modern medical science regards impotency cases as most easily remedied by a member of the opposite sex, yours may be the exception. But I would have to see her photo before deciding. It may all be in your head, in which case I recommend a martini.

Though what’s been formerly and somewhat pejoratively referred to as IG (incompetent gizmo) has been traced to performance anxiety in a majority of cases, aging equipment cannot be ruled out, nor can the time of year. A breakthrough scientific study by Dr Vladimir Fitzdike at the Warsaw Academy of Sexual Dysfunction determined that the potency hormone testosterone reaches its peak in males during the month of October – usually on the 12th, but sometimes as late as the 16th (in the afternoon). This being September, what can you expect?

Women, however, peak in spring, often in Paris. We also know that some women produce ten times more testosterone that others, the former turning out to be men’s club entertainers while the latter mostly make salads and raise chickens. We also know that the daily cycle for the male hormone peaks in early morning unless the mother-in-law stays overnight (Drs. Segraves and Sweenie, l989).

Curbs Doddering Doohickey

This brings up the impact of distractions upon male potency as determined in a landmark study utilizing volunteer couples at the Moline, Ill., Center for Libido Enhancement. During foreplay, footsteps were sounded outside the lab door while shuffling occurred beneath the beds (see dissertation, Quigley and Byfocal, 2003). Local drum and bugle corps members then marched through the chamber. Researchers documented the failure to achieve satisfaction by participants, who also showed extreme aversion to sirens of all kinds – police, ambulance and fire. Ditto the sound of chain saws – depending upon how intense the participants’ arousal at the time – as well as gunshots.

Not to be overlooked here is the roll of the male testicle, a sac filled with coiled tubules that, if stretched end to end, would reach from Des Moines to China. Just kidding. They’d extend the height of New York’s Pan Am Building. OK, how about the length of a jumper cable? Here is where sperm is constantly formed except while the male is cleaning the gutters. At about age 60, the testicle’s production tails off but can be rejuvenated with Dr. Fred’s miracle testosterone elixir, Gusto – though this won’t turn a bungee cord into a fencepost by any means. It will, however, alleviate the age-associated malady often referred to as DD or doddering doohickey.

Swig Empowers Geezers

Take case history No. 407–6811. A housepainter impotent for 10 years and then placed on my elixir was, in just two weeks, spotted with an open Victoria Secrets catalog. To become an empowered geezer, keep a full flask in your hip pocket. Say you’re changing a tire at Madison and 73rd Street in Manhattan when she gives you that look. Or imagine you’re rowing a skiff in a gale when she flashes her certain expression that suggests either hanky-panky time or terror. But exercise caution. An overdose can transform you into a lustful, salivating, sex-crazed fool.

Also, the list of things that can be done once the elixir kicks in is extremely short. Do not swallow in confined areas – closets, crowded elevators, or convertibles before lowering the top. Side effects can include enlargement of the – wait, that’s the whole idea! Start over. Side effects may include a Jamaican accent, insider trading and lack of achievable goals. Persons experiencing these side effects should contact their doctors.

Dr. Fred’s elixir can be delivered discretely to your back door by our would-be encyclopedia salesmen. Order now and also receive Dr. Fred’s hair thickener, two pair of argyle socks, plus flip down shades. Resuscitate your sex drive! Unleash your sensuality!

Upsy daisy!

Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for newspapers, including the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]